My Life as a Soldiers Wife

2008-07-29T14:21:00.001-07:00

Here is a comment I recently received:

"American soldiers are a bunch of pigs who have no courage or honor. They rape and kill little kids. They are all high school drop outs and will do anything when given a gun. They are all mentally ill. They can't behave right.I guess it has to do with American society, which is all about sex and rape. I hope they send your husband in a bag like pigs cut into many Small disgusting pieces. If there still some little justice left in this painful world then I believe my wish will come true. God burn you and your families as you burned them a life in the Redacted film and in the Battle of Haditha. Continue satisfying your conscious by convincing your sick brains in the idea of fighting for freedom in Iraq but the fact is to drink their oil and their blood to keep yourself a life mother fuckers. I hope you never see your husbands again and I hope you lose everyone you love. Fuck you and your sick nation"

Wow, angry aren't we? I hope your anger doesn't stem from something terrible that happened to you during this, or any other war.

"They rape and kill little kids."

---I wish I could say this wasn't true. I think, when you train a bunch of soldiers to kill kill kill, and leave out the oh so important part of helping them cope with the reality of violence, then things like this will happen. Lack of mental health care in the field is also a problem. Lack of education and training on culture differences, how to deal with stress, when and when not to fire, and a whole bunch of other stuff might help too. But I will say this, it doesn't just happen in America. Muslim, German, Chinese, Japanese, British. . . any and all armies commit horrible acts of violence. German soldiers almost succeeded in genocide during WWII, not Hitler himself. Otherwise civil people were pressured into doing horrible uncivilized things. I am not Jewish, but what they went through infuriates me. But, I do not hate the German soldiers for it. I pitty them.

"They are all high school drop outs and will do anything when given a gun"

---While most soldiers do have high school diplomas, I agree that the lack of formal education on the part of military personnel does lead to more violent behavior. It is frustrating really. There is a good chunk of soldiers that do join because they want to serve their country, and these are highly educated people. Each branch, for example has every aspect of highly educated people, including but not limited to lawyers, doctors, nurses, social workers, engineers, computer professionals, and a slew of others. Hopefully regulations and enforcement will lead to more stability when it comes to dealing with improper use of a weapon. Possibly more training on how to deal with a fellow soldier that is acting inappropriately? Make it easier to report dangerous and violent behavior, and make it more secret.

"They are all mentally ill"

---I am sure there are a few who are. As soon as a soldier is exhibiting symptoms of a mental illness, they are forced to seek treatment. If that illness leads to problems in their performance, they are removed from duty. Many soldiers deal with the trauma of war, and some can't. It is tragic, and I am sure the same problems arise with all armies around the world. Even in a war where our soldiers know exactly what they are fighting for, even when they are fighting off an enemy that is trying to take us over, they are still scarred severely by the act of war. It is messy, it is horrible, and it will leave a mark on ANY man (or woman). I don't think they are all mentally ill. But if you are from a culture that is very different, those differences might be confusing. I recommend taking a class, learning more about the culture (any culture). Knowledge is the best defense against blind hate.

"They can't behave right.I guess it has to do with American society, which is all about sex and rape"

---Sex and rape is a part of all cultures. rape is a show of dominance, not sexuality, and all cultures suffer from this. As far as sex, comparatively speaking, we are more conservative than many cultures. Our television and radio is more censored than say the British or Australian cultures. In many cultures, sexual expression, including nudity and sex acts are allowed on television (that can be watched by young children) and in theaters. We are not alone in this.

"I hope they send your husband in a bag like pigs cut into many Small disgusting pieces. If there still some little justice left in this painful world then I believe my wish will come true."

---Do you mean you hope they cut up my husband and feed him to pigs? Or that you want him cut up like pork and sent overseas...which doesn't make much sense? And your idea of justice is different than mine. I think justice doesn't involve any more killing. I don't even believe in the death penalty. I hate this war, and wish no one had to die, on either side.

"God burn you and your families as you burned them a life in the Redacted film and in the Battle of Haditha"

---I don't know what you are talking about here ("Redacted")...could you elaborate? I do remember what happened in Haditha, though it is hard to sort out the facts. I am frustrated by the fact that many of the horrible things that happen during war are covered up. How can we possibly punish those who have done terrible things, and how can we learn from these mistakes, if a cover-up is used? It is a horrible thing when civilians are killed, and unfortunately, both sides are doing it in all wars.

"Continue satisfying your conscious by convincing your sick brains in the idea of fighting for freedom in Iraq but the fact is to drink their oil and their blood to keep yourself a life mother fuckers."

---I question the reason we are in this war, as do many many Americans. We were possibly led here under false pretenses. We rely, sometimes far to heavily, on our government for information. If the information is inaccurate, or even purposefully falsified, then it is difficult to make the right decision. One thing is for sure, we were attacked. By whom? The public thought we knew, but now it is unclear. One thing is clear though, most Americans are upset with this war, and want it to end. We can't just up and leave, and the new Iraq government does not want that, but a slow pull-out might be coming very soon (maybe with the next president). If you are American, which it doesn't seem you are, I would suggest paying attention to the candidates and support one that matches your ideas. If you are not (which is what I suspect) all I can say is do your research. Not all Americans, not all soldiers, not all of anything is what it seems. Anger, hate, violence, and the media all add to this horrible idea of the world, on all sides. If I listened to the media and propaganda that was being slung, I would think all Muslims were violent, which I know isn't true. I would also think Jews are cheap, blonds are dumb, and the British are stuck up. But I don't think those things. I do my research. I do agree that this war is about oil. But I want you to know that this part of it is kept very secret from the general public. The only thing any of us can offer up is our theories. If we could make certian that we are in Iraq for the oil only, and that people were dying because of oil, I promise the American people would be infuriated. We have law against such things. But we can't prove any of that. The government is still telling us that we are in here to fight terrorism. Why do all governments feel they must lie to the people (ALL GOVERNMENTS)?

"I hope you never see your husbands again and I hope you lose everyone you love. Fuck you and your sick nation"

---I am glad to say that my husband is home safe with me. As is everyone else I love. I hope you don't come to any more harm or pain than you already have. If you are directly involved in this war, I grieve for you, it is a horrible thing to have to witness, or participate in.

Horrible acts of violence, hate, greed, and religious and cultural battles are to blame for the division between all nations, and I am not sure if we can ever fix it. We don't all have to be the same (and I wouldn't want it that way), but we can at least be at peace with each other. Cooperate on projects that involve the entire planet. Help smaller poorer countries in times of need, such as natural disasters or famine. Americans help when it is needed, and I am proud of that. I think we could do more though.

--Your comment is so full of hate. It doesn't make me angry, it makes me sad. The war that was supposed to make us safe is dividing us further. Maybe there is something that you and I can do to change that? What if someone who hates me, who wants me dead, who is so angry with me that they want to see me suffer, could start to communicate with me civilly. Maybe you and I can learn to understand each other. Maybe we could open lines of communication that many trained and educated government officials have tried and failed to open. Maybe we can learn new ideas, new skills, new customs from each other. That is the only idea I have. How else could two people on different sides of the fight help to stop it?

2007-12-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

I am going to tell you a secret

Well I guess it isn't really a secret, more like a constant thought in my head. I miss my husband, well more like, I miss the man I married. Let me tell you a little about that man.

My husband, before he was my husband that is, was a sweet, sensitive, respectful man. I remember him waking me up by playing me a song on his guitar. I remember getting a teddy bear for no reason. I remember him doing things he didn't want to do, just because it would make someone he loved happy. He was quick to help someone, and slow to get angry. He hardly ever raised his voice, and if he did, it was only for a moment and he would feel terrible about it afterwards. We used to watch movies and TV together, he would laugh at funny things, cry at the sad ones, and be disappointed in humanity when something negative was on. He would fight for me if he had to, but he would do anything to avoid it. After we were married, when he left for training, he wrote me every night. He called every chance he got.

That was my husband, we were happy.

I miss that man, so much.

Every once and a while, I can see him in the man I am married to now. Every once in a while, we will have a good day, a day when he is relaxed, smiling, happy. We had one such day yesterday (that is probably why I am writing this now). We were shopping, there were crowds of people (one thing that usually makes him uncomfortable and angry), but he was happy. We had lunch, and he smiled at me across the table. The song that he sang at our wedding came on at the restaurant, I was reminded of how it used to be. He looked at me and smiled, the same smile I used to see on his face every day before the army, I teared up. He held my hand, and I fought the urge to cry. I want that man back more than anything in the world. How do you stop missing the man you married? How do you stop being sad when you look at your husband now, the man who came back from war? The man that is hard, distrusting, insensitive, angry, and so totally pessimistic. How do I let go of the man I married? Is it possible?

I have thought something, but never said it outloud...but I really need to. If I were not married, and I met my husband today, I am not sure I would marry him. I married my husband for his strength, his love, and his respectful, sensitive nature. He left most of that behind in Iraq.

I feel like a bad person for saying that.

There is one thing I know for sure, he is still my husband, and I will live for the days that I get to see that glimpse of the man I once knew. When he has a bad day, I will try to be understanding and compassionate. I love him with all my heart.

Is it ok to miss the man he was?

2007-11-06T08:18:00.001-08:00

In Response to a comment I received on my las post....

"Getting through this" is probably one of the hardest, and easiest things I have ever done. It didn't take strength for me to stay faithful, or still love him. It took strength to keep myself happy and healthy while he was away, and to try to control the lonely feelings I felt.

The levels of difficulty are different for every spouse I think. If you love having him around 24-7 like I did, then the loneliness is going to be torture for you (as it was with me). But it seems to me (and forgive me if I am wrong) that you are more concerned about how he will be acting, as well as yourself while the two of you are apart. I will tell you this, and not to hurt you in anyway, I haven't seen many relationships survive the military (marriages and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships alike). Almost every soldier I met was either divorced then remarried, single, or on their third or fourth relationship. These relationships failed for different reasons (infidelity being a main one). It is a hard life, for all parties. I have noticed that the ones that seem to survive are the soldiers who had a family before joining, there seems to be a stronger bond, when the wife was in on the decision to join the military it makes it easier to cope. I guess I was lucky that way. But even those relationships fail sometimes. I guess what I am trying to say is, it doesn't matter who you are, or what your ideals, the deployments are going to be hard, they are hard on everyone.

You need to decide now if you want this kind of life. What kind of life is that you ask? Well, when he is home, and you are with him, you are still looking at some nights alone for training, 24 hour duty, and other silly little soldier things. You are looking at deployments, of course. It was hard when we found out he was leaving, hard when we were waiting for him to leave, and hard when he left. Sadly, it was even a little hard when he got back. Deployments mean challenges that you both have to face. You change as a person when your soldier deploys, and he changes too. You have to be able to accept the fact that the person you are committed to is going to come back a different man (sometimes only slightly, sometimes drastically). There is also the "Military Drama" to contend with. All around you people will be causing trouble, cheating, and fighting. Some of the spouses and girlfriends will get lots of calls from their soldier, some will get very few. Does that determine how much the soldier loves the person? Probably not. My husband didn't call much, and he rarely wrote. He was also busy, and talking to me was (and I quote) "like heaven while we were on the phone, but when it stopped, it was even more painful than it was before I heard your voice."

The question of fidelity was never an issue with us, and we are lucky for it. My husband was lucky enough to have a wife that he knew would die before she cheated, and I was lucky in exactly the same way. You have to make that commitment early. Was it easy going a year without having sex with my husband? Hell no, but you get through it. Sex is a big part of a relationship, but it is something you can do without. It was just as hard not having him in bed with me. I slept on my couch for two weeks when he deployed. It took me that long to get back into our bed alone. The waiting period between calls is also torture. All you have to do is wait. He will be busy and distracted, but you will only be waiting. You will be checking your mail every day, checking your email several times a day, and if you forget your cell at home when you leave, you will have a panic attack. Every call is precious, and if you miss one (I did) it is one of the most discouraging nights you will have.

My husband was in the military for three and a half years. I was 20 when he joined, I am only 24 now, but I feel so much older. I have more experience than many my age. I think my marriage has been through enough trials to compare to a marriage of many more years. I have had to contend with the fear of the death of a spouse, I have had to raise a baby on my own for a while, and I have had to keep sane while doing it. I have had to help my spouse through depression and post-traumatic stress, I have had to deal with three major moves, and keep our finances in order while making only a meager military salary. I have changed so much during this time, and I have cried more than I think any young woman should have to. I have faced fears that many never will in their lifetime. Do I think it was all worth it? I never doubt it for a minuet. Do I think it would have been easier if I would have just given up? I can't answer that, it was never a possibility. Being a soldiers wife is very hard, and very stressful, but it is a very important job. He deserves the best that I can be, he deserves someone who he can lean on when he needs it, he deserves someone he can talk to. All soldiers do. You have to be willing to put yourself aside sometimes and be what he needs (he should do the same sometimes also). It's so hard, but so worth it. My marriage has been through hell, and we can survive anything now.

2007-06-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

Green Day - Wake Me UP When September Ends

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Today is my husbands and my fourth anniversary. I can't say it has all been sunshine and roses. I put this video on here because I was thinking about it today. I just read a newspaper article that told of the death of 14 soldier in the last 48 hours....it brought back those familiar feelings. It's amazing how long the pain of a deployment sticks with you. My husband is home, safe and sound, and yet sometimes it is like he is still gone. I have woken up at night with that same pain in my heart. It's funny, the pain is actually in your chest right where your heart is. Is it really your heart? I watched this video for the first time about 6 months into his deployment. Looking back, I think that night is the hardest I have ever cried, I think in my entire life. I remember being in pain, my eyes, my head, my chest. Every part of me ached from the crying, from missing my husband, from the worry. When you feel that kind of pain, it doesn't let go, even after all is well again. I can't explain it. It's like a part of me died while he was gone, the part of my soul that was carefree. I miss that part of me. I miss that part of him. I miss the man I married, I miss how happy we were. Everything is different. I loved being happy and ignorant. But I will never be that way again....this is my life now. It has been almost 2 years since he returned from Iraq, and I still feel that pain in my chest. Will it ever leave me? Will I always feel it when I am reminded of war? Will I ever be able to watch a movie with soldiers in it without feeling my chest tighten? Will I ever be able to read a book where someone dies without crying my eyes out? I don't think so. I think I am forever changed. God, everything has changed. You have so much to lose when a spouse goes overseas, even if he comes back whole. Watch this video. Put yourself in the position of a soldiers wife. Take the pain you feel, and imagine it 10 times worse. It is unbelievable. I still can't believe I survived, with my sanity intact anyway.

So now I look back on the past four years....amazing. It went fast, and slow, and it was great and terrible. I love my husband, I love my son, I love my life. I just wish I could change a few things.......

2006-11-28T07:20:00.000-08:00

"This Sucks"

Here is a question that has been nagging at me for over a week now. Can I really take another year? Can I do this all over again? If you have no idea what I am talking about (most of you won't) my husband has gotten orders to go to a unit that is deploying to Iraq in Feb. for another year. His date to leave the army is Feb. 17th, but anyone getting out after Feb.15th will be stop-lossed (kept in against their will) and sent with the unit. Yeah that's right, he is just 2 short days away from that wonderful little cut-off date. 2 fucking days earlier and we would be able to move on with our lives like we had planned. 2 fucking days!!! Do you know what it is like to have 2 fucking days be the deciding factor in your happiness for a whole year???? Ok, calm down, this blog is supposed to inform all of you at once so I don't have to write a million little emails as word spreads. So, anyway, we were getting ready for life after the army. He has taken his ACT's in preparation for school. He still wants to be a music teacher. I think he would be good at it. Sure he is lazy, but when he wants something he goes for it. I even found myself thinking about little things that would change when he got out, like him letting his hair grow out again. He had wonderful hair. I thought maybe some of his anger and his anxiety would decrease. Maybe he wouldn't have to see a fucking shrink anymore. God I guess this blows those dreams out the fucking window. I have gone through (and am still going through) all the phases one goes through before deployment. There is the first stage, numbness and disbelief. I just asked stupid questions for an hour about how sure he was that he was going. Then comes the crying phase. After you cry for 2 hours straight let me tell you, you have a headache from hell. Lucky I had some left over pain meds from a while back. Well then comes the depression (not the "I need drugs cause I can't function" type, but still enough to fuck with your head). I had to work the night I found out. I looked so terrible. Anyway, then comes the anger (although this is kinda weaved throughout all the phases...). Sadly you don't have anyone to take this anger out on so the family life suffers. Then comes the phase that I have been doing everything in my power to avoid. The hope phase. In this phase you hold out hope that something will change, that maybe they made a mistake, that he isn't really going to a fucking war zone again. Maybe they will look at the fact that he is only 2 days off of the cut-off date. Maybe they will take into account that he is still in therapy once a week for the last deployment. Maybe just maybe a miracle will happen. But I can't let myself settle into that phase. Sadly though, I am already there. I have caught myself on countless occasions talking about the possibilities. I find myself saying to myself that this just isn't going to happen. They aren't cruel enough to fuck a solider that bad. But they are, and they will. You know, I have to drive by the hanger where the homecoming was held just about once a week. Every time I pass by it I get angry. And not just angry, I get fucking pissed. I think about how horrible that year was, and how horrible the homecoming was. In case you didn't know, they told me he would be home 3 separate times and broke my heart 3 separate times. Two weeks or so after they told me he would be home the first time, he finally made it. That is a torture I hope none of you ever have to experience. Anyway.....There is something else too, this time the kid will know what he is missing. He will ask me when his daddy is coming home. He will ask me why I am crying, and if I am ok. He is going to feel the pain of this deployment, and that is something I really don't want to see. That baby didn't even know his daddy the first 2 years of his life. They have grown so close over this past year and they have to be ripped apart again. I know this is the chance you risk when you get in the army...I know that, I really do. But to do this when we thought he was finally done just sucks. I just can't do another year of this. Another year of not wanting to answer the door when I don't know who is on the other side. Another year of waiting by the phone and crying my eyes out if I missed a call, even when I didn't know if it was him or not. Another year of checking my mail and email 10 times a day. Another year of sleeping alone. Another year of being a single parent. Another year of crying. God another year of crying.... I love him so much. I will be ok, he knows that. But I don't know about him. No one knows what happened his last tour. I only know parts of it, and the worst he has told me is more than I think I could handle mentally and emotionally. I know soldiers do it all the time, but I don't think he is as good at dealing with that kind of hate and destruction. He is a great guy, a loving guy, a sensitive guy. And you put a loving sensitive guy in a place where there is no love, only pain, death and destruction (not to mention the smell the heat and the lack of any comfort) it just doesn't do well for his heart and soul. He will survive though. He will make it through the year (unless the bullets or bombs have something to say about it) and he will come home to me. We will spend another year or so picking up the pieces. But I just have a lingering fear that something bad will happen to him this time. If not a bullet or a bomb, then his own self. There is only so much a person can handle. I don't want him finding out that this tour is just outside of his ability to cope. God I am scared. This fucking sucks.

2006-09-26T04:46:00.000-07:00

Something To Prepare Yourself For...

Hello all. I have decided to get online and say hi after all these months of not saying anything. I am lazy now that I have my husband back! HEHE. I figure, after a year of working my butt off, I can be lazy for a little while eh? Anyway, there is a purpose to this post, might just make you giggle.

So my husband and I have been doing pretty good. I don't say great because there have been some tough times we have had to work through. As expected, things aren't all sunshine and flowers when the guys come home. There is an adjustment period. There was one incident in particular that has given us a lot of grief. But after some talking, some fighting, some crying, and some more talking, we have worked our way through what I think is the worst. And now I am left with one last thing to get over......

Of all the bad things that could have happened to my husband over there, I am fortunate to not have to deal with most. But let me warn you....those guys pick things up over there. They pick up these bad little habits or new hobbies. Well mine learned to play with computers. Out of all the things I like in this house, I liked my computer the most, and my wonderful (AAHH!!) husband had to break it. Whatever you do ladies, guard your possessions when your men come home....they learn to tinker, or set things on fire, or do really anything to annoy you!!!!! I know the soldier that got him into it too...that bastard....he is lucky he is the godfather of my child or else his ass would be kicked!!!

Anyway, that is the latest. Hee hee! We are doing great. Our son likes dad better than mom already (mostly cause daddy lets him get away with murder). But everything really is great! I just hope it stays that way. We just keep hoping he will stay in the rear for the next 4 months, then we are home free, out of the army, and going to start a whole new chapter in our lives!! I can't believe it has almost been a year since he got home....sometimes I still feel the sadness and the anger that I felt while he was away. I wonder when that will be gone for good......

Anyway..I check my mail every day...send me a message if you have a question, want to bitch, or just want to talk in general.

2006-04-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

"I was still in love, and still happy"

It has been a long time since my last post, but I thought I would hop on and say a few things.

One of the things we army wives worry about while our husbands are away (besides the fear of losing them) is the homecoming. Everything about it scared the shit out of me. I was afraid I wouldn't know him anymore, or he wouldn't know me. I was afraid his son wouldn't hug him, and afraid we would not be comfortable together. I was afraid of our first night together and our first morning together after that. I was afraid of his mental state and how I would be able to handle it. All of these fears (and more) were almost instantly gone with our first hug. The comfort of my husband made me melt. All of the strength I had this whole year melted away and a sad vulnerable little girl was left in his strong arms. At that moment, I realized that all the bad was over, all the fear was done, all the pain was forgotten. I no longer had to work so hard. He was there to hold me up. My knees gave out and I was happy. I was still in love, and still happy.

Our first night together was indescribable. It was full of tears, hugs, and laughter. I won't go into detail (mostly because my parents might read this and that would be weird). The next morning was wonderful. I was able to wake up with a smile, once I realized it wasn't a dream that is.

Ok, enough of the happy stuff, this was supposed to be about the bad stuff. Not really bad, more like, the normal stuff that happens (that happened to me anyway).

The first two weeks or so was pretty much like what I described above. It was wonderful. But after that, we were starting to settle into our normal routines, which we found out were a little different than what they were before he had left. Sometimes fights broke out, sometimes we just laughed at the tiny differences. But overall it wasn't too bad. There are some things I still struggle with though. There have been many times when my husband was sad, or just out of it, and no matter how hard I tried there was nothing I could do to make him smile. I had no idea what to do. Turns out I had to do nothing, his war buddies instantly took away that sad face. I am not going to lie, this is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I have no one like that. When I was miserable, he is the one that took away that misery. It hurts more than you know to not be able to be that person for him when it comes to Iraq. He has told me pretty much everything about his experiences. He has told me the bad and the good, the horrible and the unthinkable. I am not sure why I cannot comfort him and cheer him up like his best friend, and I am sure I will never really understand. It hurts so bad to not be that person for him when it comes to the war, it just hurts. It also hurts to hear him describe it. I am not a stupid person here, I realize I don't understand what happened over there, but when he actually uses those words "you don't understand" it is like a blow to the chest. I want to understand, I want to feel what he felt. God I want to be there for him, but I can't be, not this time. That is not fair, it's just not fair that a wife is unable to be there for her husband. But that is just a part of war I suppose.

I would have to say that this was the hardest to deal with, is the hardest to continue to deal with. But I tell myself that I in fact don't understand what he went through, and that it is not him intentionally hurting me by keeping me out. In this instance, it is out of my hands, out of my control, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I have to just accept it. If you knew me at all, accepting something I don't like is not the easiest for me, but I don't have a choice.

Ok, something less serious, getting used to having him in bed again was also a challenge. The man snores! I forgot all about that! But I must say, waking up to a strange noise and being able to wake him up to go check it out is worth all the snoring in the world!

Ok, I think that will be all for my little update. Check back after a while. I am not sure where this blog is going now, but it might be interesting.

2006-01-24T05:56:00.000-08:00

"The End"

There is nothing like the stress of deployment being wrapped up by even more stress from lack of organization and circumstances beyond anyone's control. This post is going to serve as a warning to all the wives out there waiting for their husbands to get home. The last two weeks of my husbands deployment were by far the worst for me. It was torture. Here goes...this is a long story, so sit back and relax.

The ADVON got in sometime late December, but that was expected (about the only thing to happen as expected I would like to add). A couple of weeks later, sometime early Jan (first, maybe second week) the first flight of soldiers came in from our unit. Most of the soldiers on that flight were soldiers who re-enlisted. Whatever. Anyway, the rear D as well as the FRG told anxious wives that we would receive word about 3 days before our husbands flight. I wasn't too happy about only 3 days notice, but there wasn't much I could do about it. So now, all I could do was wait. I did everything I could to ignore the rumors that passed during the 2 weeks of waiting. Every day I heard something new. "I heard that there is a large flight coming in and the Rear D didn't inform all the family members." Whatever you do, ignore that when you hear it! "I heard that the guys are still in Iraq and they won't be coming home for several weeks!" That is one you really really want to ignore! But finally, after about 2 weeks since the last flight came in, I was called and told my husband would be home in just 3 short days (Jan 16). I was so excited. I called up my mother-in-law and she was on her way the next day. She had to make a 24 hour drive to get here, and arrived Sunday morning. A few hours after she arrived, I got a call. The leader of Kuwait had died and the country shut down all flights going out and my husband would not be coming home. They told me it could be a week before he was on his way again. I was heart broken, especially for my mother-in-law who was already there and had to leave in less than one week to go back home. There was nothing we could do about this situation though, it was beyond anyone's control. So I waited, and was told the rear D would have more info on Monday, and that I should call back then. I woke up Monday morning, and tried to hold off calling for as long as I could, but at about 8:15 a.m. I called them up and asked if there was any word on my husbands flight. To my total surprise, I was told my husband would be here tomorrow (Tuesday). I couldn't believe it. I was so happy! I only had to wait one more day. I called three times throughout the day, only because I didn't believe that it was actually real. The last time I called was in the evening. I will give you some of the exact words of the soldier on the other end of the phone. "Your husband is in the air....unless there is an act of God and the weather somewhere in the states prevents him from getting here, he will be home tomorrow afternoon." That was the best news I had ever heard, but he wasn't sure of the ceremony date, so I had to call again the next day. I did, and this is what I was told. "There is a delay, we are not sure when he will get home." Ok, they must have hit some bad weather and are stuck at an airport somewhere. I ask where the guys were delayed. "They are still in Kuwait." I was pissed, that is impossible, I was told they were in the air on their way home just last night! I was exhausted and beyond frustrated. I was up all night the night before. Every time I managed to fall asleep I had a dream about my husband knocking on the door. I woke up that morning, so nervous about seeing him that my stomach was starting to hurt. And when I got the news that I was given bad info the day before, I almost lost it. I was furious. I just said thanks and hung up the phone, and went to bed. I didn't even want to think if at all possible. That whole day I was miserable. A friend called later that afternoon and asked if I had gotten a call from Rear D. I said no, and asked why. Apparently her husband was on his way home and would be there the next day, as you can imagine that didn't help my state of mind. I was miserable. I took some sleeping pills and went to sleep that night totally miserable. At about 11:30 a.m. the next day I got a call from Rear D saying my husband would be home the next day around 12:30. I said ok and hung up the phone and waited for the next disappointment. This time though, there wasn't one. The sad thing is, I couldn't even get excited about him coming home. I refused to. I didn't want to get hurt again. I only started to get excited as I drove up to the ceremony site and saw everyone there, I saw all the soldiers bags lined up outside the hanger and knew this time it had to be real. I sat through the ceremony the whole time wishing it would end. Finally it did, and the soldiers were released. I started to look franticly through the crowd but couldn't see my husband anywhere. Finally after about 5 min. of searching my mother-in-law spotted him. I threw down my coat and everything else that was in my hands and started to walk to him. When I was only a few feet away my pace quickened and I practically jumped into his arms. He held me so tight, I am thankful for it too, I am not sure I would have been able to stand on my own. I kissed him hard and let him go to see his mother and son. He hugged his mother and as he was doing so his 2 year old son (who was afraid of him only 7 months before while he was home on leave) tapped his leg and looked up at him with an adorable expression. My husband reached down and picked him up and from that moment on the two of them were inseparable.

I have had people say to me, "the longer you have to wait, the better the reunion." I have to disagree with that. I wasn't even excited because I was afraid of being disappointed again. But in the end, he did get home to me and his son. And now we are trying to catch up on a year away from each other. He is amazing, everything I remember and more. I am excited to see what our future holds now that we are finally together again. I am not sure that this blog will continue now that he is home and life is good again. But I guess we will see. I hope to hear from anyone who has questions. I always check my mail, so email if you wish. And sometime soon (within the next several months) I should be starting an EMT career, that should make for some interesting blogging....until then, thank you for sharing all of this with me, it really helped me through this past few months. I wish I would have known about it when the deployment began. Thanks again to everyone...

2006-01-20T10:16:00.000-08:00

He is home, finally, thank God!! I will post later and tell you about all the drama leading up to this point. For now, I am going to go enjoy a long awaited reunion as well as a delayed Christmas with my family (complete once again).

2006-01-17T08:44:00.000-08:00

SCREW THE FRG AND SCREW THE REAR D AND SCREW THE STUPID ARMY!!!!!!!!!

Enough said.

2006-01-15T19:06:00.000-08:00

"Never mind."

Well strike that last post, got another call from the rear D today, flight delayed again until further notice. I am sure glad I didn't get excited this time. He was supposed to be home tomorrow, but now, I don't know. God this deployment is sure dragging out isn't it. My mother-in-law is here now, which sucks cause she took off work for this, and drove 1300 miles. I really hope she actually gets to see her son. At least she is here now to distract me from the frustration of the army and all it's fabulous delays. So overall, I am good to go now, just looking forward to this homecoming. Much better than I was in previous posts that's for sure.

2006-01-15T06:33:00.000-08:00

"Update"

I dare not get excited again, but I was told by the rear d that my husband (despite delays) will be home very soon. I don't know if it is secret or not so I am not going to say when...but it is very soon. Anyway, I thought I would come online and post just so you guys didn't think I ended up in the nut house. Believe me, I was close to it on that last post. I kept getting dates, and hopes, then those dates would be moved. It was frustrating. It was also frustrating because lots of soldier came home a week ago, and more two weeks ago. I was so stressed and frustrated that my mother almost came out here. That is a big deal considering it takes 24 hours to drive out here if you don't sleep. But it was nice to explode on the phone to her, then on here to you guys. I was much better by the end of the day, and slept very well. Everyone seems very confident about this new time I was given, so I am crossing my fingers. I will report more later.

2006-01-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

"I am done."

I don't know if he volunteered, or if he was forced, but my husband is not coming home with the rest of the guys. Most of his unit is not even in Iraq now, but my soldier is out on some mission, and not able to call or write or anything. Why does he have to be out there now. I have lost it. I hope he is going to be ok with coming home to a crazy wife, cause that is what he has. I feel like a horrible mother because my son drives me crazy these days. He won't listen, and it seems he spends most of his days in "time out" because of it. I had to go see the doc about my headaches and something to help me sleep. No matter how tired I am when I go to bed it takes hours to fall asleep, and then I wake up constantly from horrible dreams. I don't know why my soldier has to stay behind, he wasn't supposed to, he was supposed to be on his way home 2 days ago. All I know is, the longer he is there, the more terrified I get of losing him. He is not at his base safe and sound like I want him to be, he is out on some mission. My eyes burn from crying and my head aches. I feel weak because I am unable to handle this better. I hate this, I hate the way this deployment has made me fall apart. If they would just let him call, why is it so hard to just let him call. Over two weeks with no word, I can't take it anymore....I am done.

2006-01-09T08:06:00.000-08:00

"I have let the excitement get the better of me"

Well it has finally happened. I have let my excitement get the better of me. I got word yesterday about my husbands return. I now only have a few days to wait. Every time I think of him coming home so soon my heart starts to beat hard and my stomach does a few flips. I feel like I am waiting for our first date to begin. I have no idea what it is going to be like. I was in bed last night, looking at the spot where my husband usually sleeps, I tried to imagine what it would be like to share my bed again. I can't even picture it. I feel like I have been alone forever. I wonder what he will do when he first sees me. I really hope his son runs up to him and hugs him. So many things have changed. When he left his son wasn't even talking! Now he will find his son not only talking, but talking back! He will see this little child who needs to be read to or sang to just to fall asleep. I can't wait to see him read to our son. God he used to come up behind me while cooking and hug me...say "hi how was your day." I miss things like that. I can't believe that I will have them back soon! It's too good to be true. Only a few more days Ashley, you made it this far, you can last another few days! I am not sure that I can type much longer, I have no clue what else to say....I will stop this for now...soon I think you will hear about what it is like at the homecoming ceremony!!!

2006-01-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

"Holding onto sanity by a thread"

Still haven't heard anything. The first flight of soldiers is arriving here on post today, but my soldier isn't on it. Everything is so crazy right now. No one can give us any information at all. Nothing. Not even a guess as to when our soldiers may be home. They can't even tell us how long before the next flight, or how long before all the soldiers are home for good. All they tell me is it may be a couple more weeks. May be a couple more weeks?! I am already holding onto my sanity by a thread! I don't know how any of you can handle this...I am losing my mind here. Yesterday, I let a small thought pop into my head, maybe, just maybe, he is on that flight. Maybe he didn't tell me, to surprise me. It took everything I had to force that thought from my brain, I knew it wasn't true. God this sucks! I think this is, by far, the hardest part of this deployment yet! I am so glad it's almost over but the days are going by at an agonizing rate. I wish all of this would just end!!! You know what really sucks, I haven't heard from my husband in at least 2 weeks. I went to help decorate the barracks for the single soldiers yesterday, all the women seemed excited and prepared. One woman even got a phone call from her husband while I was standing next to her. I couldn't take it. I don't know why my husband won't call, or write, or even just tell someone else to get me a message. I really try not to think about it, because I don't want to be angry with him, but I do want to know why. I hope everyone else handles these last days of deployment much better than me, I can't imagine hundreds of wives going as crazy as I am all on the same post, ugh, that would be madness.

2006-01-01T21:42:00.000-08:00

"Confusion, frustration, and boredom."

For the past few weeks I have been at a loss. I have nothing at all to write about. What's strange is I would think I would have the most to talk about now. I am going through so many emotions, so much anxiety. My husband is due home in less than two weeks. What do I think about that? I have no idea. I don't think right now, I don't feel. I have not talked to him in ages, I forget what his voice sounds like. I wish someone would have warned me that the end would be like this. I got a short email from him the other day, said he had to go out on one last mission (he said that on his last mission too), said he might have a date for his return but of course he can't share with me due to "operational security." You know, I want to be like the other wives, I want to be excited, I want to start making posters and banners and hanging ribbons. I want to start saying "when my husband gets home I will....." and other such things. But every time I try to prepare, every time I try to think about what life will be like when he is home, I start to panic. What is going to happen? So much can happen in two weeks. He is still there, still in Iraq. He is still going on missions and the bad guys still want him dead. If something were to happen to him I would be devastated, but if I were to let my guard down, let myself get excited about his homecoming, I am not sure what would happen if I were to find out something was wrong. I am not sure what he is going to be like, I am not sure what I am going to be like. What is going to happen? Someone make me feel better. Someone make me want this reunion. I feel like there is something wrong with me, I am supposed to be going crazy with anticipation and joy. But here I am, in this strange emotionless state (except for occasional outburst of total frustration), and I just don't know what to make of it. I just keep telling myself that soon this will be over, one way or the other. Soon I will be forced to get on with my life. I really feel like this misery is who I am now. I have incorporated this loneliness and pain into my being, this is me. I am alone, and soon I will have to get used to being happy again. But I think getting used to being happy is going to be a little easier than getting used to being miserable. Well, wish me luck....I will tell you about it as I go...my next post will be when feeling comes back into my chest.

2005-12-29T20:01:00.000-08:00

"The foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called, but God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty. And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are."

First Corinthians 1:25

2005-12-24T13:20:00.000-08:00

"Christmas Eve"

Everyone has been asking me what I am doing for Christmas. So, to avoid further questions, I am just going to tell everyone here what I am doing...you ready? Ok, tonight (Christmas Eve) I am eating some crappy oven pizza, I am probably going to do some laundry and hopefully my kid will get to bed early so I can get a little homework done. Tomorrow, I am going to wake up, eat, clean, and fill my day trying to avoid crappy TV Christmas specials. I might take a nap somewhere in there, then wake up, and repeat. That is what I have planned. Sound fun? I thought so too. My son doesn't know the whole Christmas thing yet, he is only 2, so I am not doing it. We are probably going to wait till my husband gets home.

Sorry for the shitty attitude, but you know what, it is better to be pissed than crying.

Haven't heard from my husband, don't know what is going on, and I am not expecting to hear from him till he gets home.....well that seems to be the general attitude around here anyway (FRG)

2005-12-18T06:53:00.000-08:00

"Ugh"

Ok, I have been down sick with some funky virus...but I had to get online to tell you all that, as of today, there are 30 more days until my husband is home with me for good!!!!!!!! It has been a long 10 or 11 months and it is exciting to have the end in sight now. Sadly, after making the welcome home banners in a big banner party, four more soldiers from my husbands unit were killed. I didn't know any of these soldiers, nor did I know the wives. After hearing the news, I began to think that maybe some of these wives were at our banner party. We were all so excited to be finally preparing for our guys homecoming, and here these wives were told only days later that their husbands wouldn't be making it home after all. My heart went out to these women. I know that this last month will be one full of fear and excitement....I just want it to pass quickly.

2005-12-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

"How sweet sleep is."

Four hours of sleep a night for the past two weeks. I can't understand it. I am not even taking naps during the day anymore. I am exhausted. All day I feel like the walking dead. But then the night comes, my son finally drifts into the innocent, beautiful, restful sleep that I long for, and I am full of all the thoughts I don't have time for during the day. I am fairly educated on several psychological issues. I am studying the subject after all. That among other things. I love it, it fascinates me. I know that I am probably suffering a little depression, and a lot of stress. I am not sure that I am able to make this decision for myself, but I think it is quite normal under the circumstances.

Soldiers do it all the time. Most I talk to are lucky to get four hours of sleep a night. I wonder how. I wonder if all of lifes worries are somehow out of their mind when they finally get to a bed. I am jealous. I don't do anything so physically and emotionally strenuous that my body shuts off every chance it gets. These guys can sleep whenever and wherever they get the chance. They fall asleep when they really shouldn't be also. My husband falls asleep working on his truck, soldiers fall asleep on guard while their buddy backs them up. They sleep on convoys on the way to their destination. They sleep in the mess tent when they don't feel like getting up. They sleep in their offices waiting for work to come their way. They sleep when they are waiting for the next casualty to come through their doors. Soldiers sleep when they get the chance, even when it is not permitted. Naturally the adrenalin of a gun fight or danger will keep you awake when your life depends on it. No matter how tired I am, if I slip off the shoulder of the road my heart pumps hard and I am wide awake.

But answer me this, what happens when you are not in an adrenalin charged situation. What if I am sitting comfortably on my couch. What if I fell asleep while my son was quietly watching cartoons. What if he got up from the couch and quietly walked away. What if I didn't hear him when he got into something dangerous. What if he put a piece of toast in his mouth and quietly choked. I am not saying my situation is any more dangerous than those of the soldiers in the field, but they have someone there to wake them when they dose off. I think it may be time to go see a doc about sleeping a little more at night.

P.S. There is one good thing about me that most soldiers can't say. I know when it is time to get a little help.

2005-12-03T17:41:00.000-08:00

"The issue of fights over long distances."

I noticed that I have talked a lot about how much I miss my husband, and how much I love him. This is something we all know. Every wife misses and loves their husband dearly. But recently, I have received a few emails and comments from women about their fights with their husbands. Many of them can't understand why they fight with them, even think it isn't normal. So today, I will tell you all, that my husband and I have fought too, lots, while he has been deployed. We try not to bring up stressful subjects while talking to each other, (like money or other such things that might start some kind of conflict) but we do still run into things that we tend to get testy about. Then there are the times that we don't talk about much of anything and that sparks an argument. The point is, we all fight, it is just the way life and marriage works (even when we are separated). I still do everything in my power to support him, even when I am pissed off at him. Our soldiers are also very different while over there. Honestly, I sometimes think I can't stand much more of his coldness. But I do stand it, and I will continue to. All I can do is commit myself to helping him get back into the normal life he has left behind when he is finally home. Soldiers deal with deployment and separation in so many different ways, so it is hard to understand what anyone else is going through. In fact I think it is impossible to understand. But we all have something in common, we are all doing this and it sucks for all of us. Some soldiers will try to shut down their emotions, shut down their pain and their fear, but in the process, they shut down their compassion and love as well. This is hard for me, because I am so used to having this loving caring totally emotional husband, and now I have one that is cold, almost heartless, and he is saying things I never thought I would hear him say. But he is at war, he is seeing things that he hopes no one else will ever have to see, he is doing things he never thought he would have to do, and that can take a toll on your emotions. While I don't understand his pain totally, I do understand why he wants his emotions turned off while he is away. And he knows that I will be here for him when he decides to turn them back on. For I fear when that day comes, there may be an avalanche of pain and misery that pores from his soul. Some soldiers joke a lot, let their laughter keep them from the hurt. Personally I think that is healthy and would really prefer this, but I have heard from many others that their joking and pranks with the spouse sometimes makes them seem as if they don't care as much for their loved ones problems and pain. It is nice to know sometimes that someone understands your pain and feels it with you. But some soldiers just don't have the ability to have that on them while deployed. Another hard situation to deal with. As I said before, soldiers deal with this in different ways, and I only really know how to talk about my husbands experience. I try to comfort him, I try to understand, I try to be patient, but sometimes, I just can't. Sometimes I just get so angry or hurt by his words or actions that I just want to scream at him for hours and hours. I become mean and withdrawn, as does he. We talk little for days and are both miserable during the course of it. But eventually it ends and we are ok again. Fighting is natural, don't think you are in some sort of trouble with your marriage if you are fighting while he is deployed, it is normal and we all go through it. Just always remember that you love him and you are his wife and you have to be there through the good times and the bad (and for some this will be as bad as it gets). Just remember that soon he will be home and this will all be over. Good Luck.

2005-11-20T21:33:00.000-08:00

"I can still see God"

Hi everyone. Settling into my new home (again) here on post is not easy. I have been slowly unpacking and cleaning as I go. Keeping up with a two year old that likes to un-organized as I try to organize has made the progress slow. And, to top it all off, we have both caught a crappy cold that has kept me moving extra slow. But progress is being made and with any luck, by next week my home will feel like my home again. I had an interesting trip to say the least. It was plagued with problem after problem delaying my departure by about a week and forcing me to drive alone with my son (and cat and ferret) and get to town about 5 days before all of our things were brought (via my father). But that is all over. I like it when my life is busy, I am not sure I could be happy with a life and career that didn't keep me on my toes, but I must say this past three weeks or so has probably been the most stressful I have had during this deployment. Everyone told me to wait until my husband got home, we could move while he has his month off, but I didn't listen. I couldn't imagine making my husband go through a move across four states while he was taking his well deserved rest from the army and life in general. It was worth the headaches just to know that he will be able to relax when he is home again. I thought I would tell you a little about my trip. Once on the road, I was surprised at how many emotions I went through. So here goes.

After having to delay my leaving home about a week, I was finally off. Packed into my little neon with two duffel bags of clothes, toys, and snacks, a very rambunctious toddler, a cranky cat, and a ferret, the ride was at it's best, tolerable. For the first few hours, I was so happy and excited. I was finally on my way back to our base, that meant only a couple of months till my husband is home. That was all I could think about. But as night began to fall, so did my spirits. My son was getting edgy as was I. For some reason, I started to think of all I would have to do, all that could go wrong during this transition. I had to get a job, day care, get settled, get organized. I had to do it all fairly quickly. My husband would be home in just two months and I was not going to let him come home to a messy stressful house. So I started to panic, fear of failure started to take over. That was about the time I decided that I had had enough driving, I pulled into the nearest Holiday Inn and slept my fears away. I woke up feeling refreshed and healthy. I started again on my trip (only about 12 hours to go.). The 12 hours went by nicely. I saw so many things. I watched an unbelievable sunrise. I had to pull over and just stare. It was as if the cold had caused everything around me to turn a deep blue color. As the sun rose, the land and the sky began to melt into a pale orange then yellow. It rose over a mountain and the then flooded a valley with it's warmth. Something about watching the cold and dark being washed away by the sunshine lifts my spirits so high. I got back on the road again, feeling better than I had in a very long time. While at lunch in Denver, I saw several soldiers in their BDU's. I had forgotten about the army base in Colorado. I sat and ate with my son, stealing glances at a soldier sitting with his wife at a table not far from mine. He kept touching her hand and she kept smiling at him. I wonder if he had recently come home from a deployment, or maybe they were just so in love that they still acted like kids in school. I finished my lunch quickly and got back into my car, I sat for a moment and let a few tears roll down my cheek before I started again. Before sun down I decided to stop for dinner and to freshen up. I first went to the bathroom to wash my face and try to wake up a little. I put some make-up on and went off to find some food. There was a wonderful little cafe in the truck stop where I gassed up so I got a small table by the window (my son loves to watch the trucks drive by). While eating, I caught the eye of a very good looking bus boy. He smiled at me, and I smiled back and looked down to my plate. I couldn't help but blush a little. But the encounter made me miss my husband terribly so I finished and got back on the road. As the sun was setting it created an amazing sky. There in front of me, in the orange, red, and pink clouds, I saw a picture of a dove. There was no wind at all that day, so I was able to look up at this image, it had looked like it had been painted there just for me to see, and it didn't disappear until the colors of the sun finally gave way to the blues of night. I finally reached my destination late that night, I stayed with a friend for a few days while I was waiting for all of my things to arrive. Now here I am, and I can't help but stop and think of all the things that I experienced on my trip. I personally try to remember and cherish everything that happens to me. All of this will shape who I will be later, just as my past has shaped who I am now. So I was sitting on my couch thinking about the things I have seen in the past weeks, and I think I know what each of them has told me about myself.

The sunrise in the valley has shown me that I can still see beauty all around me, all I have to do is pull over once in a while and look.

The soldier and his wife tells me that no matter how much is going on in my life, my husband still consumes most of my thoughts. Even when I try to run from it, the pain of missing him will sneak up on me and make me cry.

The cute guy in the cafe tells me that I am still pretty.

And the dove, the dove showed me that I can still see God, even when my world is shrouded in darkness and pain.

2005-11-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

"Hi"
Hi everyone. I can't write much, I am just getting moved into our post. only a couple more months to go...i just hope i can unpack and get this place organized before my hubby gets home. I don't even know why I unpack..what is the point. I am just gonna move again in like a year. Anyway, I have to get back to work. I will try to write something later.

2005-11-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

"Smile"

I have not heard from my husband in a while. All I can do is hope and pray that he is ok. Things have been pretty bad there recently, but our soldiers are smart, they are strong, and they don't quit. I just keep telling myself that my husband will come home...he will come home. When I am sad or scared, this song really helps me out, maybe it will do the same for you.

Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

Nat King Cole

2005-10-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

"Update"

It finally runs!!!! I don't think I have told you guys this but I am giving my husband a little gift when he comes home from Iraq. If you look at the pics at the top of the page you will see that I am overhauling the engine on his truck (68 GMC). Tonight was the first time it was driven, and it was so exciting for me. My brother and I have been working on this baby for about six months now, and it was a relief to finally get her running. I can't wait until he drives it for the first time. Course, knowing my luck, it will break down his first trip out. When he left, his truck wouldn't even go at all. The engine was old and tired and broken, now it is new and clean and beautiful. I can't wait for him to see it, I am scared, but I know he will love it. Maybe if he is deployed again I will get all the body work done for him!!

2005-10-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

"Be Strong Soldier"

I know I have not been where you have been, I have not seen the things that you have seen, and I don't think I could ever imagine what you are feeling, but I can say that I am sorry. I am sorry you are in pain, and I am sorry your heart is hurting. I know you need sleep, and you need love. I wish I could give you the things you need, but I am so far away. If I were able, I would take everything you are going through and put it on myself. I would take you home, so you can rest. I would give you all you wanted. You deserve comfort and safety. You are fighting every day for something that you don't totally understand. You know that there are many back home that don't believe in your mission, and even those you fight for are not always grateful. But you are strong, and you are doing your job. I am proud to say I know you, and I hope your strength will hold. Every time you feel you are slipping into nothing, just reach out and take my hand, I will pull you back up. I am here, thinking of you always. All the hate you see must make it hard to love, but back home you have someone who loves you more than she knew she could. Hold onto that, it will pull you through. I am waiting for you, and I will wait as long as it takes to have you home in my arms again. Nothing can take my sights off of your pale tired face. Just be strong soldier. Soon it will be over and you will be home again. You will feel the warmth and comfort of your own bed. You will touch your child, hold his tiny hand. You will kiss your wife and feel the warmth start to fill your body as it did a year ago before you left. Your dedication to your country, your comrades, and your family will forever be something that will stay with you. Hold your head high, you have earned it. You have my love, my loyalty, and my respect. Just be strong a little longer, so you can come home and experience them in person.

2005-10-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

"Too Much to Take In"

I can't write much tonight, I just wanted to comment on something. I haven't really said much about the current events around the globe, except of course the war, but I have to say something. I can't believe all that has happened to the human race in the past few years. Just looking at America alone, we have had it hard, but it is not just us, it is the whole world. The tsunami, Sept. 11, the war, the hurricanes, and now these earth quakes and mud slides. It is just too much to take in. There has been a massive amount of pain,suffering and death, I just don't know what to think of it all. I wish I could make it go away. I am sad for all people who suffer, and for now, that is what I can contribute, well that and money. I am glad we as a country are helping those in need during such difficult times. I hope we continue to do so in the future. At times like these I wish I had more faith, I wonder if it would have made any difference.

2005-10-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!!

So I got a totally sweet comment. Military Mom is wondering if we are ok! Thanks. We are doing great (well as great as we can be doing I guess). I am not going to be able to post much of anything in the next month or so, I am getting ready to move back to our post to get ready for his return. I know it is not for another 4 months but I want everything set up for him when he gets home. Plus I really want to be involved in the preparations for the guys homecoming. I will post when I have something interesting to say....

2005-09-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

"Sleep is Overrated"

I lay in my bed, tossing turning. My brain won't slow, won't turn off for even in instant. I pray for sleep, the only thing in the world now that lets me forget what is happening. My eyes are burning, my body aches, I just can't understand why sleep won't come. I wonder what he is doing right now, this very instant. It's 10 in the morning for him. I can see his face. God he has a beautiful face. I wonder if he is thinking of me. I wonder if he is smiling now. Stop, this isn't going to help me sleep. Lets think of something calming, like my body slipping into a hot bath, my hair being touched. He used to touch my hair all the time. He would lean down and kiss my head, kiss my cheek, the tip of my nose. Every time he kissed my nose I couldn't help but giggle. It was so nice, his hands on my face, my back, anything. Crap, there I go again. Ok, something new to think about. Lets think about all I have to do in the next month, that should exhaust me. Ok, lets see, I have to get ready to move back to our post. I haven't even collected any boxes yet. I am still working on his old truck, he is going to be so excited when he sees it, better yet when he hears it. He loves that truck. He has had that thing longer than he has had me. I can't think of a better gift for him. He used to pick me up from my house in that beast, I could hear it from a mile away. I loved jumping in and going anywhere. So many times we ended up eating out then going for a long bike ride through the town, end up at the park. It was always late so no one was ever there. I remember sitting on the swings talking for god knows how long. This is not working, something else, I have to keep my mind off of him for a moment, I know I will fall asleep if I could just get him off my mind. Lets try singing that stupid song, what was it, ahh yes, 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Ok, 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer.... This is stupid. I can't believe I have to sing stupid songs to sleep, even when I am so tired that I can't move. You know what is awesome, the night he asked me to marry him he was singing and playing his guitar for me. Neither of us saw it coming. He was playing, I was listening, and for some weird reason the subject came up, and he asked, and I said yes. I think we were both in shock. It took a while to really understand what had just happened. Our relationship was so young. We had only been dating for such a short time. We knew our parents wouldn't like the idea, but it was so right. We knew that we were in love the first night we were together. The months to follow were insane. The wedding, the baby, so much emotion and excitement to deal with all in such a short amount of time. I can't think about this, I will never get to sleep. I can't even think of something to think about. This is going to be a long night. Oh well, I guess I won't fight it, I will let my mind focus on him. I almost feel like he is with me when I do. Sleep is overrated anyway. At least when I do fall asleep, I will be happy.

2005-09-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

"From a Soldier"

I have no idea what I am even going to write about tonight. I just feel like writing something.
I know something I can post...a soldier gave me a poem he wrote that I thought some of you would like to read. So here it is:

Let Me Go Home

I’m alone, I see no one
I see nothing but darkness
The young boy that once lived
Lives no more
Scared, wounded, hurt by life’s
Anger and evil.
I long to be that boy again,
Innocent, full of life, full of love.
I see what I have, My Wife, My Son,
My Daughter. When I see them
I’m happy again, I’m full of life, full of love.
I see in my children’s eyes the child I used to be.
I’m alone, I’m away from home.
All I see is darkness
But I close my eyes and see their smiles
I see them playing, full of life, full of love.
I see the love in their eyes.
I’m alone, I’m away. I open my eyes
I see pain, I see evil, I see Death.
My Wife, My Children are my salvation
I want to go home!!
Lord let me close my eyes.
Lord let me live through my children.
Lord let me hold my wife.
Lord let me go home.
Home to stay.
No more darkness, No more evil,
No more pain, No more anger.
Lord Let Me Go Home.

Patrick J. Wakeman
16Spet05

Ok, so that is it. It makes me sad to hear a soldiers pain, but at the same time it makes me feel a little closer to my own husband. I wish none of these guys had to do this, but I know they are good at their job and I know in the end it will all be worth it.

I think I am going to put together a package for my husband tonight. Write him a long letter. Maybe spray it with some perfume. Doing stuff like that always makes me so happy. I will post something again when I have something to say.

2005-09-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

"I Wonder....."

Today I thought about him all day. I don't know why, but I have always felt that all my feelings have to stay inside with me, only to be shared with him. I like the fact that I can do that, but on a day like today, it sure takes a toll on my body. I am exhausted. It has been a while since I just sat and cried for hours straight, and it actually feels good to get it out. But now I am here, done crying, and all alone still. I want this to be over. I want to take his place. He is so wonderful, so sweet, so perfect. I don't want him to have to go through something so terrible anymore. I want to shield him from all that is evil and I want to show him all that is still good. I wish with all my heart that I could keep anyone from feeling the sadness and helplessness that I am feeling now. I am not crying because I am alone, or because I am scarred, I am crying because he is going through something hard and horrible and I can't make the pain go away for him. I am crying because I know that right now there is so many others feeling what I am feeling. I am crying cause this world fucking sucks, soldiers are dying, and there is not a god damned thing I can do about it. I wonder if it is normal to want to bear everyone's pain. I also wonder if this will drive me mad one day. I guess we will find out.

2005-09-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

"Music"

I have not really had all that much to write about recently. Everything is just moving along in the same slow fashion that is always does. But in spite of the long nights and the frustrating days, I have unusually high spirits. I am getting to talk to my husband a little more these days. Our conversations are all so wonderful. He seems so much happier, and that does wonders for my morale. I have been losing weight and looking much better now that I am working out. I just feel good today. So I am sitting here on my computer, talking with others like me, and listening to some awesome music that just takes me to a whole other planet. I suggest that everyone who reads this does the same. Just sit back, put on some music that you love, music that really gets your mind working. Relax your whole body and just feel it. It is amazing how a song can just make you feel so wonderful. I might just fall asleep right here, right here in paradise.

2005-09-17T00:21:00.000-07:00

"Worth the Wait"

Well hi again all. I am doing much better now. It is funny how some days you just don't think you can take it anymore, and then others you are proud of how strong you are. Tonight I wanted to talk about the subject of change during deployment. A little while back I was chatting with a lady online whose husband had just left for Iraq. I felt so bad for her. I hated the beginning, when there was still a huge amount of time before he was home. She asked me about my fears, about being scared of him coming home changed. I think that is the number one fear among wives. I was terrified about that. I thought about it all the time before he left. I just knew that if he were actually gone for that long there is no way we could just pick up where we left off and everything would be fine. But now that he is gone, and has been gone for quite some time, I am not afraid of that anymore. I will tell you a little about it I suppose.

You see, it is not that I am not worried about him being changed, it is more like I have accepted it. I understand it a little better now. I know he is going to be changed in some ways. There is no getting around that. He is going through something huge and that changes a person. But on the other hand, he is not the only one changing. I am going through a hell of a lot too. I feel older, wiser, and maybe a little angrier than I was before he left. I think back to our carefree days, the days when the biggest thing we had to worry about was new tires on the car or what to make for dinner. It seems like a million years ago. But here we are now, going through what is probably going to be one of the biggest challenges of our marriage, and I must say, I am so thrilled at how we are holding up. I think the fact that we share everything with each other is the main reason we are doing so well. I got the speeches before and just after he left, you know, the ones that tell you to hide all your fears and sadness when you are on the phone with him. They told me that my husband will need to know that everything is ok at home so that he doesn't have to worry. While that can be good advice, I didn't exactly follow it. I am used to sharing everything with my husband, we are best friends, if I can't share my problems with my best friend who can I? For us, it is nice to know that we still need each other. It is nice to know that you are still able to comfort one another when we are crying or scared, especially when we are thousands of miles apart. If he were to hear that everything is just peachy, I would think he would feel like I didn't need him as much. I don't' lie to him, I don't sugar coat anything. If I am having a bad day, he knows it, and if I am sad, he hears me cry. Then he tells me it is ok and that he loves me and I feel better. He feels better knowing he can still take care of me, and we are both better for it. I am not sure that this would work for everyone, some men may not want to hear about all the bad when they have such limited time on the phone with their spouse. I suppose that is a good reason, but it just wouldn't work for me. The most important part of us sharing our fears and sadness with each other, is I that we are able to change and grow together even though we are apart. Change is going to happen, it's inevitable, so you must embrace it and work with it to survive. There is a song I listen to on a daily basis, it has this wonderful line that I think makes sense here..
"Some say that time changes, best friends can become strangers. But I don't want that, no not for you, if you just stay with me we can make it through." (Good Charlotte)
I think the only advice in this area that I can really give you is don't have a lot of expectations for how it is going to be when he is home. It may be very different, it may be almost the same, but if you are expecting one or the other it's going to be hard when it's nothing like what you've prepared yourself for. Just know that you are both going to have to adjust and tell yourself that you are going to work through those adjustments no matter how hard they are. This is your husband or wife after all, you married this person for life, and it is times like these that will try your dedication and commitment. While I don't pretend to know what will happen when he returns, I will say that I will do everything in my power to return to the happy marriage that once existed before Iraq. I refuse to let this break up something that is obviously right. But I have it easy, he loves me and would do anything for me, even if that means listening to me rant and rave for 10 minutes on the phone. But he knows that I will do the same for him in a second. Everything is going to be ok, as long as we are willing to do what it takes to stick it out. He is worth the wait, even if that wait were forever.

2005-09-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

"Update"

He called and all is well in the jungle again. I will post something soon, for now, I have to sleep. Good night all. Thank you for your comments. It is wonderful to hear from others like me.

2005-09-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

"Just don't read this"

I try, I try so hard to be strong. The last few posts have been pretty sad as I am sure you have noticed. I guess I will tell you why.

I can't remember the last time I talked to him. It wasn't that long ago, a week, maybe longer. This is the longest we have gone without some kind of contact in a while. The last time we talked was terrible. I was so angry, angry at everyone and everything. That happens sometimes (see "Bad Day" below). I took it out on him. It wasn't too bad, he tried to tell me about his day, he was excited to be getting an ARCOM and I didn't even tell him I was happy for him. I just said that I was having a bad day, and I better go before I treat him like shit. I left, I went to sleep. And now this silence. I am so scared that he is not talking to me because he is mad at me. I know in my mind that is not the case, he is too much of a wonderful husband. But I can't shake the fear. I want to say sorry. I am so used to being able to say sorry when I do stupid things, but now, I can't talk to him. I just have to wait. It's torture. I don't think there will be a happy post on here until he calls, or writes, or emails. I would be thrilled just to get one sentence. Hell I will settle for one word. This sucks. I miss you, and I am so sorry.

2005-09-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

"The dreams are the worst"

If I had to choose one thing that was the worst out of this whole deployment, it would have to be the dreams. Well, not dreams I guess, more nightmares. They suck me in with their insane realism, and the feelings they give me stick with me for what seems like an eternity. It's funny, I don't think I ever actually dream of his death or injury. The dreams I have are more about me, my life, the life of my son, all without him. I had a dream tonight where I was 20 years older, and I was living an average life, in an average home, in a safe neighborhood in a small town. I remember looking in the mirror in my dream, my face had aged terribly from the stress of being alone for so long. I remember seeing a picture of my husband, as he is now, and beginning to cry. I was alone, and I had been alone for 20 years. I saw pictures of my son, his whole life, high school and college, what a beautiful boy, and a very good looking young man. He looked just like his dad. I couldn't even force myself to smile as I looked at his face. My son had grown up never knowing what an amazing man his dad really was. No matter how much I tried to explain, he could not ever truly understand his father. And in this dream I knew that this unimaginable pain I was feeling would never leave me. I was alone, and because of the love I have for my husband, I was doomed to be alone like that forever. Those are the dreams that scare me the most. Of course I worry about him, about him feeling any pain over there, about him having to be scared and alone if something were to happen to him, but those worries occupy my days. The worries my mind allows me to worry while I sleep are my selfish ones. The worries I worry at night are the ones that give me a glimpse of what life would be like if he leaves me alone in this place until I die. I hate those worries, I hate them so much. I think they are some of the most frightening things I have ever had in my head. It's funny also that I am always healthy and living well in those dreams. But no matter how healthy I or my son is, the thought of me feeling as I do now, for the rest of my life, terrifies me. I had this dream about an hour ago, and I can't count how many I have had before tonight. I'm not going to be able to sleep for a while I think, but that's ok. I would rather have bloodshot eyes in the morning than risk feeling what I just felt again. Strange, I can't remember color, or taste, or smells, but I remember the way I felt like it was all completely real. Yes, I must say, the dreams are the worst.

2005-09-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

"Bad Day"

God I am having a bad day. I hate days like this. Everything just seems to go wrong. I don't understand how I can be so strong one day, and so totally on the edge another. I guess I just need to talk to him, I need to feel better. I hope he calls soon.

2005-09-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

"Be strong, and we will get through this"

It is funny, writing this blog, I never actually thought it would help someone. I just wanted to get out some of my emotions, some of my fears, some of my pain. I wanted the soldiers to have an idea of what it is like for their loved ones back home, but I never though about the other wives. I never thought that I, of all people, would be helping someone with their deployment. It is so hard for me, I never thought I would be able to help. But apparently, I do. I am touched, and so very happy.

I was chatting with a woman today, a woman whose husband had just left for Iraq. This woman was scared, sad, and so confused. I didn't know what to tell her. I had been there, yes, but I don't even know how I made it through those first few weeks. All I could tell this poor girl, was that I had been there, and that it was so hard, and in spite of my fears and sadness, I made it to today. I am still scared and sad, yes, but I am ok. I am able to go day to day and live life. Waiting and living with this fear is so much harder than I ever though it would be, but I am able to do it. I am strong, and I know it. And you know what, every one of us is strong. We can all do this. We can all push on, just as our husbands are doing. We will be fine, and in the end, they will come home, and we will pick up where we left off. I know it will be a little different, but that is ok. Both of us will have grown because of this separation, this pain that we have had to suffer during his deployment, but we will be able to adapt. We will grow together once more, and we will be so happy. Being apart sucks, it sucks so bad, but it will all turn out ok. I know that it doesn't turn out ok for all of us. Some of us will lose the ones we love, but for those of us that have our husbands and wives out there, we can't think about it like that. We just have to think about the day that he will be home, and our lives will go on. We have deal with the other problems as they come along. But to prepare for the worst in this situation, may do more harm than good. Just live day to day. That is the only advice I was given, and it works, just wake up, get dressed, and go on with your day. And do the same thing tomorrow. It is all going to be ok. I promise. And if a day comes when you feel you can't go on, well then just email me. I will be here for you too. There have been so many days when I would just give up, I didn't want to do it anymore, but someone pulled me back up, and I kept on going. If you don't have someone, well, that is what people like me are here for.

Be strong my friends. Be strong and we will all get through this.

2005-09-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

"I miss the little things"

Most of the men here can't relate to this next post, but oh well.

Do you ever have a day that you just don't feel pretty? I didn't realize how much my husband made me feel pretty. He would stare at me, kiss me so softly, tell me I was sexy, and just treat me so good. He didn't have to try. And on the days that I didn't feel very pretty, all I had to do was put on a little make-up or do my hair for him to tell me how beautiful I was. I hope he doesn't read this, he will know my secret. But anyway, today I just don't feel all that pretty. I don't know why, I think it is just a girl thing, sometimes we feel a little fat, or our make-up doesn't go on right, or our hair doesn't cooperate. Whatever the reason, I just don't feel pretty today. I wish he were home to kiss me and tell my I was sexy. I think I took that for granted. I won't anymore.

Guys that have read this, go home and tell your wife that she looks great today.

2005-08-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

"I give up, again."

I was watching the news tonight. I know, a no no for any soldiers wife, but I swear, I was just trying to catch the weather. (In case you were wondering, it was hot today, and it is going to be hot tomorrow.) As I was waiting for the elusive forecast, I caught what couldn't have been more than a 30 sec. story on a soldier killed in iraq. The young man was from a town very near the one I am living in now. They showed a video taken by the enemy, they shot at one of our choppers. I saw the chopper get hit, but didn't see if it went down or not. God I hope not. You know, when I see stuff like that, about 15-20 seconds afterward, I have to remind myself to breathe. Have you ever had to tell yourself to breathe? Well, you really shouldn't have to remind yourself of these automatic functions in your body, but I guess when something more important comes along, breathing takes a back seat. So the news story ended, and I had a headache (probably from the lack of oxygen). Can you believe that? An entire 30 seconds dedicated to an enemy home movie. What the hell is going on here? What kind of message does that send? "Tonight we are going to tell you about a soldier killed, and look, the bad guys hit our choppers and got it all on film. Well we have to show that crap then don't we!" I know we have reporters out there with soldiers, I know our guys have victory after victory. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I saw a victory on the local news. Everyone is preaching about supporting our troops, but what the hell kind of support is this! Support our troops by showing their progress, not the bad guys. Hell, these men and women are doing so much, and they only make it on the news if they die! Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture? It's like we are not even at war here. Our soldiers are fighting every day, every day, and we can't even give them a couple of min. on the news at night. I am starving for information about my husband, about his buddies, about the war. I want to know what is happening. I know that soldiers are dying, but I also know that that is not all that is happening out there. We have to be winning, we have to be making progress. I know we are, so why is that not newsworthy? I don't understand it all. None of it makes any sense. I am sick of it. I give up on the news, I am gonna stick to blogs!

2005-08-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

"An Unexpected Knock at the Door."

All wives know, if something is wrong, two men in class a's will come to your door to tell you your husband is dead. But if you open the door, and it is only one guy wearing BDU's or something, he is just hurt. This is almost bread into us from the moment we find out our husbands will be going. I must admit, before Iraq, I used to love unexpected visitors. Now, an unexpected knock at the door is something I never want to hear.

A while back, I had an unexpected knock at the door. I was sleeping, like I so often am. It was time for my sons afternoon nap, and I took advantage of that. I turned the ringers on my phones really low, and tried to rest for as long as my son would let me. An hour after I had fallen asleep, I heard a strong, determined knock at the door. I don't know how many of you have been in a situation where you are truly scared, so I will try to describe it to the best of my ability. I sat up, not knowing if I actually heard anything at all. But there it was again, this persistent knock at my door. My heart instantly started to beat hard and fast. I quickly got dressed, and headed toward the source of my fear. I have never had a real reason to fear anything before, so I had never felt emotion like this flowing so freely through my entire body. My hands were sweating, my muscles were tense. My heart was pounding and my breathing had almost stopped. My head was fuzzy but so totally alert. After a short walk that felt like a mile, I made it to the door, I placed my hand on the knob and hesitated. I closed my eyes and lowered my chin, I pulled open the door and didn't look up. The fear that I felt in the instant that it took to see the person at my door is indescribable. I think only someone who has gone through what I am going through can understand. As soon as I forced myself to look up, a wave of relief came over my body. I couldn't hide the sigh that escaped my mouth. As I signed for the package the UPS guy brought me, I started to feel silly at how I had reacted. I blamed my sleepiness and this conditioned fear I have to live with. Thanks to the Army for that fear by the way. I never expected every aspect of my life to be changed by all of this. I hope it all returns to normal when he is safe at home with me.

2005-08-26T17:56:00.000-07:00

"His War Story"

Today, I was sitting on my couch, my son playing on the floor. He started to make a funny noise, so I reached down and picked him up. He was choking. Don't be too alarmed, this kid chokes on water. I gently tapped him on his back and he coughed up a dime. Where on earth did he get a dime? I think every mom has asked that question like a million times. He started to cry so I held him, and the feelings of fear started to creep into my head. He usually gags on things that aren't serious, things he clears up on his own. This time, it was something that so many kids have actually died from. How strange, what if it would have been stuck in his throat? Would I have been able to save him? Funny, my son is perfectly fine sitting in my lap, and I am starting to get scared over something that didn't happen.

The situation reminded me of a story my husband told a while back. He told me this story worried that I would be afraid of something that hadn't happened (sound familiar?). While he was in his "crappy post" I will call it, he had a pretty close call with an RPG. I think that is what it was anyway, some kind of flying bomb. I think it was really exciting and scary for him, or else he wouldn't have told me. The way he told me just makes me laugh now. I asked him how his day was, and he asked if I really wanted to know. I of course said yes, and he said he didn't want to tell me unless I was sitting at home and relaxed. I had to wait 10 min. to hear his story because at the time, I was driving in my car. I finally get home and he starts to tell his story. He had been working in a tool truck on his fob (is that what they call it??) with one other guy I think, and they walked away to do something. Several min. after they had walked away from the truck it was hit by the RPG, or some other form of explosive. He said he and the other soldiers around dove for cover, waited a second or so, and then ran to get into their gear and such, do whatever it is you soldiers do when someone tries to kill you. After his story was done, I started to giggle. He couldn't believe it. He had been so worried that this story would throw me into a panic. I don't blame him, before he left for Iraq, I thought stories like that would really hurt me....but to my surprise, it didn't bother me at all. As a matter of fact, I was fascinated. Questions filled my head. What did it feel like to be that close to danger? It must have been so exciting to feel that kind of power, that kind of destruction so close to yourself. I was amazed and interested, and I had no time for fear. It was a fascinating discovery about myself, I wondered how I would react to hearing news about some "close call" my husband had had, and now I knew how I felt about it. I soak up the info and am left starving for more. It is strange, how people are, how we are so interested in feeling fear. I am still confused by my reaction. I am, or at least I used to be, so against violence. Not the type of person that would go well with a soldier. But here I was, listening to stories about this danger that my husband was in and I was fascinated by it. I shocked my husband again when I asked if they got the guys that pulled that shit. He wasn't sure, he knew the scouts had rolled out after the attack, and he wasn't too sure if they would find the guys.

The strange thing about this conversation with my husband is this, before he had left, violence, guns, and killing, was the common topic of debate between the two of us. He was a gun person, I was not. He grew up with ex-military parents who owned several guns, I grew up with parents who wouldn't even let us play with toy guns. We were from two different worlds. Once in one of our "debates" we discussed the issue of killing someone who has broken into your house. I said I would do everything in my power to avoid hurting another human being even if it compromised my safety. He was so pissed off by this. He told me I was a silly little girl who didn't know about the world. You have no idea how big that fight became. And here I am now, with my husband in combat, and I am hoping that he got to kill the asshole responsible for scaring the shit out of him. I think that when we discussed violence and guns before his becoming a soldier, I was a silly little girl. I had some ideas about violence and fear, but I had never even come close to experiencing it first hand. The most violent moment in my life was when my dad got really mad one night and put his fist through a wall. And with the way his kids were acting that night...he was justified in his actions. But now, being so emotionally close to violence, I am forced to re-think my position. As soon as I knew that someone was really trying to kill my husband, I didn't just want him to kill the asshole, I wanted to kill him myself. What right did this guy have to fire any kind of weapon toward the man I love, at anyone for that matter? I was angry, I am still angry. How dare he. I hope they got him, I hope they killed him. I also hope that all who knew that man, now knows exactly what happens when you pull that shit with our soldiers.

Doesn't sound like the words of a silly little girl who doesn't know anything about the world does it? I guess war doesn't just make the soldiers grow up.

2005-08-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

"Uncharted Emotions"

I know I have already posted something today, but I need to ask a question and wonder if anyone could answer it for me. Do all wives go through these emotions that you just can't control? I got to chat with my husband online today shortly after I posted my first message. He just recently set up internet in his room, so he can talk to me on a daily basis. This is great, because the place he was at for the first five months he had nothing, I was lucky if he got to call me once every week or two. But now, we get to talk a little more. It was a pain getting the net set up for him, so when it was all done, I was looking forward to having daily conversations with him. And that was how it was for the first week or so. There was the occasional break because of him going on missions and such, but we still talked much more than usual. But three days ago I talked to him for about 10 min. and he had to go, but his status was still "online." I did not hear from him until just this afternoon. I assumed he had a mission. But he didn't. He was going to a friends room after he ate dinner. I love this friend too, he is a great guy. And they are such good friends, I am glad he has that while he is there. But the way he told me just upset me, he had said he was going to George's room to let off some steam, the days were stressing him out. For some reason, that really got to me. The only thing that makes me feel better when I am stressed or sad is him. I love talking to him. I can't think of anyone else that could help me the way he does. We used to talk all the time while he was in training. I would receive a letter almost every day. Even on the days that we could talk on the phone, he would go back to his cot and write me a letter. I felt like he missed me, he needed me. But now, I think I have received about four letters total during his deployment. It just doesn't seem like he needs me like he used to. He has his friends, and they help more I guess. Is it really like that for you guys? Does it help more to have your brothers than talking to your wife? I am just wondering if it's like that for a lot of couples in the army. I am sure it is... I know how important it is to have your friends out there, they would die for you and you for them. No other relationship is like the ones you share with your fellow soldiers. But I never thought they would replace that role I used to play. I am sure I am over reacting, but it just feels so strange. I don't like to tell him things like this, he has enough to worry about. Whatever helps him should be ok with me. But if any married soldiers read this, tell me what it is like for you. If any wives who have been through deployment read this, I hope you have been through the same silly emotions, that would make me feel better. It's funny how knowing someone else has gone through the same pain can make you feel better. I will never understand the emotions I am going through while he is away, I hope his are much more under control.

2005-08-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

"My Heart Hurts"

Today, I wrote my husband a letter, and the first sentence was "My heart hurts." I have been so sad in the past few weeks, that I had to let it all spill out in my words to him. It's unfair, but he is the only friend I have that I feel I can tell anything. When you find your best friend for life, you just don't like to talk to anyone else about the problems of your life. I hope he understands, I don't want to stress him out, but he is all I have.

As I am sure you know, my husband is a soldier. He is deployed to Iraq right now, it is actually his seventh month there. I have been dealing with the stress of deployment any way I can. I recently started to read some of the blogs of deployed soldiers, and thought that it might be a good way to get some of these feelings out in the open. Plus, I won't have to burden my husband as much. It is amazing to read the words of some of these soldiers. Sometimes I can't handle it, I shut down my computer and go to bed and cry. But most of the time, I just soak up the information, all I can. For some reason, I want to know all that happens to my husband. It makes me feel closer to him. He tries not to tell me any of the stories. He does not want to worry me. I understand that, but he doesn't realize that I worry anyway. I am not blind, I see what is happening on a daily basis. But not knowing what is happening to my husband, makes the distance between us seem even bigger. Knowing how I feel, I was thinking that maybe a husband would read this, and start to see a little more of what his wife is going through back home.

I think I will start my stories with the day I found out my husband was going to Iraq, and maybe a little before that.

My husband joined the army February 17th, 2004, two months after our only son was born. When he left for training, I was so miserable. I missed him every day. But he came home about six months later (August), and we were shipped off to Fort Riley, KS.. We arrived, moved into our new home on the post, and started to get settled in. He started the boring task of getting checked in, and every night when he came home, I looked at him not wanting to ask the question that had been on my mind since we arrived, "What unit are you with and when are they deploying?" I lasted about five seconds before I asked, and for a few days, his answer was always "I don't know yet." The day he finally found out is a day I will never forget. He came home, I am sure he was expecting my question, and I could tell he did not want to answer. He told me, "We are deploying anywhere from December to February. Soon we are going to the field to train for about a week, then in October, we will be in California for a month." I don't think he said it just like that, but he got everything out before I even tried to respond. It is amazing how many emotions can go through your head all at once. I remember feeling instantly scared, then so sad, and very very angry. The trouble with me is, my anger usually dominates. I was so pissed off for the rest of the night. And the only person to take it out on was my poor husband. We fought, I was mad at him for even joining. We managed to yell at each other more than I think we ever had. I tried to blame everything on him. He ended up falling asleep downstairs, while I lay restlessly in our bed upstairs. I started to get mad at him for not coming up, so I went down. I know, horrible huh? But after another small fight, my anger was gone. All that was left was my fear. He came to bed, and we were scared together. We made up (the way most husbands and wives make up), and after that, just tried to deal with it. He was deploying, and there was nothing we could do about it. I was upset, he had an eight month old baby that he had only spent two short months with. He would get to spend another seven months or so with him, then be gone again. That is what I was really angry about. But it was ok, we still had time together. So we started our life together in Kansas. And there is plenty that happened in the time before he left, I will tell you about some of it. I am sure what you all probably want to hear about is what it is like now, with him away, and there will be plenty of that too. For now, it is time for breakfast, and I have a hungry toddler trying to get my attention.