Here is a comment I recently received:

"American soldiers are a bunch of pigs who have no courage or honor. They rape and kill little kids. They are all high school drop outs and will do anything when given a gun. They are all mentally ill. They can't behave right.I guess it has to do with American society, which is all about sex and rape. I hope they send your husband in a bag like pigs cut into many Small disgusting pieces. If there still some little justice left in this painful world then I believe my wish will come true. God burn you and your families as you burned them a life in the Redacted film and in the Battle of Haditha. Continue satisfying your conscious by convincing your sick brains in the idea of fighting for freedom in Iraq but the fact is to drink their oil and their blood to keep yourself a life mother fuckers. I hope you never see your husbands again and I hope you lose everyone you love. Fuck you and your sick nation"


Wow, angry aren't we? I hope your anger doesn't stem from something terrible that happened to you during this, or any other war.

"They rape and kill little kids."

---I wish I could say this wasn't true. I think, when you train a bunch of soldiers to kill kill kill, and leave out the oh so important part of helping them cope with the reality of violence, then things like this will happen. Lack of mental health care in the field is also a problem. Lack of education and training on culture differences, how to deal with stress, when and when not to fire, and a whole bunch of other stuff might help too. But I will say this, it doesn't just happen in America. Muslim, German, Chinese, Japanese, British. . . any and all armies commit horrible acts of violence. German soldiers almost succeeded in genocide during WWII, not Hitler himself. Otherwise civil people were pressured into doing horrible uncivilized things. I am not Jewish, but what they went through infuriates me. But, I do not hate the German soldiers for it. I pitty them.

"They are all high school drop outs and will do anything when given a gun"

---While most soldiers do have high school diplomas, I agree that the lack of formal education on the part of military personnel does lead to more violent behavior. It is frustrating really. There is a good chunk of soldiers that do join because they want to serve their country, and these are highly educated people. Each branch, for example has every aspect of highly educated people, including but not limited to lawyers, doctors, nurses, social workers, engineers, computer professionals, and a slew of others. Hopefully regulations and enforcement will lead to more stability when it comes to dealing with improper use of a weapon. Possibly more training on how to deal with a fellow soldier that is acting inappropriately? Make it easier to report dangerous and violent behavior, and make it more secret.

"They are all mentally ill"

---I am sure there are a few who are. As soon as a soldier is exhibiting symptoms of a mental illness, they are forced to seek treatment. If that illness leads to problems in their performance, they are removed from duty. Many soldiers deal with the trauma of war, and some can't. It is tragic, and I am sure the same problems arise with all armies around the world. Even in a war where our soldiers know exactly what they are fighting for, even when they are fighting off an enemy that is trying to take us over, they are still scarred severely by the act of war. It is messy, it is horrible, and it will leave a mark on ANY man (or woman). I don't think they are all mentally ill. But if you are from a culture that is very different, those differences might be confusing. I recommend taking a class, learning more about the culture (any culture). Knowledge is the best defense against blind hate.


"They can't behave right.I guess it has to do with American society, which is all about sex and rape"

---Sex and rape is a part of all cultures. rape is a show of dominance, not sexuality, and all cultures suffer from this. As far as sex, comparatively speaking, we are more conservative than many cultures. Our television and radio is more censored than say the British or Australian cultures. In many cultures, sexual expression, including nudity and sex acts are allowed on television (that can be watched by young children) and in theaters. We are not alone in this.

"I hope they send your husband in a bag like pigs cut into many Small disgusting pieces. If there still some little justice left in this painful world then I believe my wish will come true."

---Do you mean you hope they cut up my husband and feed him to pigs? Or that you want him cut up like pork and sent overseas...which doesn't make much sense? And your idea of justice is different than mine. I think justice doesn't involve any more killing. I don't even believe in the death penalty. I hate this war, and wish no one had to die, on either side.


"God burn you and your families as you burned them a life in the Redacted film and in the Battle of Haditha"

---I don't know what you are talking about here ("Redacted")...could you elaborate? I do remember what happened in Haditha, though it is hard to sort out the facts. I am frustrated by the fact that many of the horrible things that happen during war are covered up. How can we possibly punish those who have done terrible things, and how can we learn from these mistakes, if a cover-up is used? It is a horrible thing when civilians are killed, and unfortunately, both sides are doing it in all wars.

"Continue satisfying your conscious by convincing your sick brains in the idea of fighting for freedom in Iraq but the fact is to drink their oil and their blood to keep yourself a life mother fuckers."

---I question the reason we are in this war, as do many many Americans. We were possibly led here under false pretenses. We rely, sometimes far to heavily, on our government for information. If the information is inaccurate, or even purposefully falsified, then it is difficult to make the right decision. One thing is for sure, we were attacked. By whom? The public thought we knew, but now it is unclear. One thing is clear though, most Americans are upset with this war, and want it to end. We can't just up and leave, and the new Iraq government does not want that, but a slow pull-out might be coming very soon (maybe with the next president). If you are American, which it doesn't seem you are, I would suggest paying attention to the candidates and support one that matches your ideas. If you are not (which is what I suspect) all I can say is do your research. Not all Americans, not all soldiers, not all of anything is what it seems. Anger, hate, violence, and the media all add to this horrible idea of the world, on all sides. If I listened to the media and propaganda that was being slung, I would think all Muslims were violent, which I know isn't true. I would also think Jews are cheap, blonds are dumb, and the British are stuck up. But I don't think those things. I do my research. I do agree that this war is about oil. But I want you to know that this part of it is kept very secret from the general public. The only thing any of us can offer up is our theories. If we could make certian that we are in Iraq for the oil only, and that people were dying because of oil, I promise the American people would be infuriated. We have law against such things. But we can't prove any of that. The government is still telling us that we are in here to fight terrorism. Why do all governments feel they must lie to the people (ALL GOVERNMENTS)?

"I hope you never see your husbands again and I hope you lose everyone you love. Fuck you and your sick nation"

---I am glad to say that my husband is home safe with me. As is everyone else I love. I hope you don't come to any more harm or pain than you already have. If you are directly involved in this war, I grieve for you, it is a horrible thing to have to witness, or participate in.

Horrible acts of violence, hate, greed, and religious and cultural battles are to blame for the division between all nations, and I am not sure if we can ever fix it. We don't all have to be the same (and I wouldn't want it that way), but we can at least be at peace with each other. Cooperate on projects that involve the entire planet. Help smaller poorer countries in times of need, such as natural disasters or famine. Americans help when it is needed, and I am proud of that. I think we could do more though.



--Your comment is so full of hate. It doesn't make me angry, it makes me sad. The war that was supposed to make us safe is dividing us further. Maybe there is something that you and I can do to change that? What if someone who hates me, who wants me dead, who is so angry with me that they want to see me suffer, could start to communicate with me civilly. Maybe you and I can learn to understand each other. Maybe we could open lines of communication that many trained and educated government officials have tried and failed to open. Maybe we can learn new ideas, new skills, new customs from each other. That is the only idea I have. How else could two people on different sides of the fight help to stop it?

I am going to tell you a secret

Well I guess it isn't really a secret, more like a constant thought in my head. I miss my husband, well more like, I miss the man I married. Let me tell you a little about that man.

My husband, before he was my husband that is, was a sweet, sensitive, respectful man. I remember him waking me up by playing me a song on his guitar. I remember getting a teddy bear for no reason. I remember him doing things he didn't want to do, just because it would make someone he loved happy. He was quick to help someone, and slow to get angry. He hardly ever raised his voice, and if he did, it was only for a moment and he would feel terrible about it afterwards. We used to watch movies and TV together, he would laugh at funny things, cry at the sad ones, and be disappointed in humanity when something negative was on. He would fight for me if he had to, but he would do anything to avoid it. After we were married, when he left for training, he wrote me every night. He called every chance he got.

That was my husband, we were happy.

I miss that man, so much.

Every once and a while, I can see him in the man I am married to now. Every once in a while, we will have a good day, a day when he is relaxed, smiling, happy. We had one such day yesterday (that is probably why I am writing this now). We were shopping, there were crowds of people (one thing that usually makes him uncomfortable and angry), but he was happy. We had lunch, and he smiled at me across the table. The song that he sang at our wedding came on at the restaurant, I was reminded of how it used to be. He looked at me and smiled, the same smile I used to see on his face every day before the army, I teared up. He held my hand, and I fought the urge to cry. I want that man back more than anything in the world. How do you stop missing the man you married? How do you stop being sad when you look at your husband now, the man who came back from war? The man that is hard, distrusting, insensitive, angry, and so totally pessimistic. How do I let go of the man I married? Is it possible?

I have thought something, but never said it outloud...but I really need to. If I were not married, and I met my husband today, I am not sure I would marry him. I married my husband for his strength, his love, and his respectful, sensitive nature. He left most of that behind in Iraq.

I feel like a bad person for saying that.

There is one thing I know for sure, he is still my husband, and I will live for the days that I get to see that glimpse of the man I once knew. When he has a bad day, I will try to be understanding and compassionate. I love him with all my heart.

Is it ok to miss the man he was?

In Response to a comment I received on my las post....

"Getting through this" is probably one of the hardest, and easiest things I have ever done. It didn't take strength for me to stay faithful, or still love him. It took strength to keep myself happy and healthy while he was away, and to try to control the lonely feelings I felt.

The levels of difficulty are different for every spouse I think. If you love having him around 24-7 like I did, then the loneliness is going to be torture for you (as it was with me). But it seems to me (and forgive me if I am wrong) that you are more concerned about how he will be acting, as well as yourself while the two of you are apart. I will tell you this, and not to hurt you in anyway, I haven't seen many relationships survive the military (marriages and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships alike). Almost every soldier I met was either divorced then remarried, single, or on their third or fourth relationship. These relationships failed for different reasons (infidelity being a main one). It is a hard life, for all parties. I have noticed that the ones that seem to survive are the soldiers who had a family before joining, there seems to be a stronger bond, when the wife was in on the decision to join the military it makes it easier to cope. I guess I was lucky that way. But even those relationships fail sometimes. I guess what I am trying to say is, it doesn't matter who you are, or what your ideals, the deployments are going to be hard, they are hard on everyone.

You need to decide now if you want this kind of life. What kind of life is that you ask? Well, when he is home, and you are with him, you are still looking at some nights alone for training, 24 hour duty, and other silly little soldier things. You are looking at deployments, of course. It was hard when we found out he was leaving, hard when we were waiting for him to leave, and hard when he left. Sadly, it was even a little hard when he got back. Deployments mean challenges that you both have to face. You change as a person when your soldier deploys, and he changes too. You have to be able to accept the fact that the person you are committed to is going to come back a different man (sometimes only slightly, sometimes drastically). There is also the "Military Drama" to contend with. All around you people will be causing trouble, cheating, and fighting. Some of the spouses and girlfriends will get lots of calls from their soldier, some will get very few. Does that determine how much the soldier loves the person? Probably not. My husband didn't call much, and he rarely wrote. He was also busy, and talking to me was (and I quote) "like heaven while we were on the phone, but when it stopped, it was even more painful than it was before I heard your voice."

The question of fidelity was never an issue with us, and we are lucky for it. My husband was lucky enough to have a wife that he knew would die before she cheated, and I was lucky in exactly the same way. You have to make that commitment early. Was it easy going a year without having sex with my husband? Hell no, but you get through it. Sex is a big part of a relationship, but it is something you can do without. It was just as hard not having him in bed with me. I slept on my couch for two weeks when he deployed. It took me that long to get back into our bed alone. The waiting period between calls is also torture. All you have to do is wait. He will be busy and distracted, but you will only be waiting. You will be checking your mail every day, checking your email several times a day, and if you forget your cell at home when you leave, you will have a panic attack. Every call is precious, and if you miss one (I did) it is one of the most discouraging nights you will have.

My husband was in the military for three and a half years. I was 20 when he joined, I am only 24 now, but I feel so much older. I have more experience than many my age. I think my marriage has been through enough trials to compare to a marriage of many more years. I have had to contend with the fear of the death of a spouse, I have had to raise a baby on my own for a while, and I have had to keep sane while doing it. I have had to help my spouse through depression and post-traumatic stress, I have had to deal with three major moves, and keep our finances in order while making only a meager military salary. I have changed so much during this time, and I have cried more than I think any young woman should have to. I have faced fears that many never will in their lifetime. Do I think it was all worth it? I never doubt it for a minuet. Do I think it would have been easier if I would have just given up? I can't answer that, it was never a possibility. Being a soldiers wife is very hard, and very stressful, but it is a very important job. He deserves the best that I can be, he deserves someone who he can lean on when he needs it, he deserves someone he can talk to. All soldiers do. You have to be willing to put yourself aside sometimes and be what he needs (he should do the same sometimes also). It's so hard, but so worth it. My marriage has been through hell, and we can survive anything now.